To [de]cease

To stop. To be unbecoming. Death comes again, but it is always unexpected for me. There is no closure. There is no chance for a real goodbye. I think that’s the hardest part about coping my family’s deaths. Both of my brother and father had passed away. They passed away almost the exact same way. On a Tuesday. Normal day. Rained the night prior. Surrounded by non-family members. Drown. Search and rescue team. Waiting for better news. No last goodbyes. My last moment with my dad was at home. He came home to have a small meal, and he was … Continue reading To [de]cease

Funny thing about blogging

I’ve written multiple posts. “Hey…it’s been a year.” I was never really able to pass the humiliation part of blogging again. I felt like I couldn’t share my thoughts without feeling vulnerable, but I know and told myself multiple times. Writing is a vulnerable task. It will always be. Whatever statements you make, whatever word choices you decide. You will pretty much put yourself in a lose-lose position. People will always overlook what your writing intentions are. I keep reminding myself that I should not care what people think because I will never have control over the thoughts of people … Continue reading Funny thing about blogging

Writer’s Block

I don’t really have anything to look forward to everyday. No job (daily 8 hour job). No classes. I’ve been preparing things to start creatively writing, but I have a sudden fear and feeling of PTSD. That block is so evident to me. Another co-worker had reached out to me about a job. I researched into it and I already know that I won’t enjoy it. I won’t be committed to stay. Is it the fear of commitment that is steering me clear of many things? The fear of commitment The attitude of non-quitting Moving again I honestly don’t want … Continue reading Writer’s Block

creative writing 1.1

People tend to fall back on their thoughts of what ifs. What if we change the course of our lives? Would we be any more happier than we are now? Would it save a life? No, it wouldn’t. People come and go in and out of our lives daily. It could be for a reason. It could be for no reason at all. As for me, thinking about what ifs is dangerous because my family comes from a history of time travelers. The thought of what ifs triggers us back to that time. We’ve been trained to move forward every single … Continue reading creative writing 1.1

Doing good. Trying great.

It’s almost been a month since my last blog post. What have I been doing lately? I’ve been trying to test new gigs in town, but they obviously haven’t been working out. I would drive 4-5 hours a day and take pictures of foreclosure houses. It became pretty exhausting with that amount of driving. I calculated my hours and rate, and the total so far has been $13 an hour. However, this gig didn’t include gas. I had to calculate my own mileage and make sure that it will be covered in my taxes. I’ve driven over 1,000 miles in … Continue reading Doing good. Trying great.

Why did she stay?

To be honest, I was (am still) angry about my father and his actions. I was focused on being angry at my father and retracting all the wholly standards of being a great daughter. I was angry that I was going to be someone’s daughter that can’t be boasted. I did not want my dad to use me as a pedestal in his social ladder. When I was younger, his statement was, “I want to share with my hometown that my daughter is the first doctor in the neighborhood.” My young naive self was like, “Yea, that’s great!” As I … Continue reading Why did she stay?

Empathetic Response

Yesterday was the day that I realized why my mom was acting a certain way. She was trying to get an empathetic response. My brothers generally are unfazed with my mom. When I was in New York, she calls me to give them a verbal beatdown. When it is a family-setting, my verbiage is very open. There is no type of filter that comes out of my mouth. I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I’m deep in my thoughts about this topic. Among the four kids, Johnny and I were the more talkative half than Jimmy and Jesse. … Continue reading Empathetic Response

Let’s keep writing until it becomes positive.

Ideally when I write, I want to reflect rather than vent. I’ve done some reflecting, but it’s been through meditation. And holy shit, I realized how poor my written English grammar is. Following up with my previous post about my father, he is diagnosed with minor emphysema, but they have not ruled out lung cancer due to the spotty chest x-rays. When we were going through the hospital visits, the X-ray technician told my dad that he had really long lungs. It wasn’t surprising to me because my dad said that he would frequently go swimming during his younger days in … Continue reading Let’s keep writing until it becomes positive.