I need to change.
Lately, I’ve written once in a quarter. Living in the city makes it a little difficult to tarry and write my thoughts. Since my last update was posted, I was more in a cheery mood. In September, some of the summer glaze was still present until this December.
Holidays are not my best forte. The hatred of holidays is only a facade of my actual feelings. A conversation about my family isn’t always the happiest one. From the bottom of my heart, I love holidays. The celebrations and the gatherings of families and friends were my favorite part of the holidays. The shared talks and laughter about how the years was spent were the highlight times. (Duh!) It’s been 2.5 years since I lost my youngest brother and my older brother being locked up. Staying in the city is me hiding and running away from the lost feelings. What’s better than staying in the city full of people and lights? Yet, I’ve never felt more alone. I miss the big dinners and gatherings. I miss setting up a Christmas tree and watch the lights dancing around the house.
I haven’t felt so tainted and confused in awhile. I don’t want to go out and force a smile. I don’t want to force out anything. Honestly, I just want to turn off my feelings, lock myself up in my room and mindlessly watch a marathon of shows.
Dreams. These dreams have been nightmares that I don’t want to face. From losing my family to constantly running in my life, I know that I’m stressing myself for no reasons. I know. I know. I need better emotional management.