I don’t really have anything to look forward to everyday. No job (daily 8 hour job). No classes.
I’ve been preparing things to start creatively writing, but I have a sudden fear and feeling of PTSD. That block is so evident to me.
Another co-worker had reached out to me about a job. I researched into it and I already know that I won’t enjoy it. I won’t be committed to stay. Is it the fear of commitment that is steering me clear of many things?
- The fear of commitment
- The attitude of non-quitting
- Moving again
I honestly don’t want to move again. I seriously need to focus and apply for a job after the wedding. If my best friend and her soon-to-be husband do not find a better job in Biloxi, then they are planning to leave, too. I also thought about leaving Biloxi within their timeline. I keep looking back to my mom. I know and my friends know that I can’t save her from her own misery, but at the same time, I don’t know what to leave her alone. My brothers barely entertain her. They do enough to help.
That’s what bothers me the most. I’m torn in leaving my mom behind again. I don’t regret coming back because I, personally, feel more settled at home than I was in New York. In New York, I felt like I was tip-toeing in someone’s house. It’s also my fault for not getting my own apartment and living 45-60 minutes away from my work. The commute really killed me in New York and the loneliness. My circle of friends were all depressed. It doesn’t help the environment or situation.
At home, what annoys me that my mom refuses to go anywhere with me out of town. She doesn’t want to visit New York because she compares the trip in terms of “might as well go to Vietnam” where her relatives rob her of her income.
Going on a vacation would delight me as the same time stresses me out.
I need to find a mechanism to relax.
I want to create but the product of creating becomes stressful.
[lmfao] Ugh. I feel like a piece of shit.
Let me go do my hair or something and come back to this thought.