Funny thing about blogging

I’ve written multiple posts. “Hey…it’s been a year.” I was never really able to pass the humiliation part of blogging again. I felt like I couldn’t share my thoughts without feeling vulnerable, but I know and told myself multiple times. Writing is a vulnerable task. It will always be. Whatever statements you make, whatever word choices you decide. You will pretty much put yourself in a lose-lose position. People will always overlook what your writing intentions are. I keep reminding myself that I should not care what people think because I will never have control over the thoughts of people … Continue reading Funny thing about blogging

Writer’s Block

I don’t really have anything to look forward to everyday. No job (daily 8 hour job). No classes. I’ve been preparing things to start creatively writing, but I have a sudden fear and feeling of PTSD. That block is so evident to me. Another co-worker had reached out to me about a job. I researched into it and I already know that I won’t enjoy it. I won’t be committed to stay. Is it the fear of commitment that is steering me clear of many things? The fear of commitment The attitude of non-quitting Moving again I honestly don’t want … Continue reading Writer’s Block

Why did she stay?

To be honest, I was (am still) angry about my father and his actions. I was focused on being angry at my father and retracting all the wholly standards of being a great daughter. I was angry that I was going to be someone’s daughter that can’t be boasted. I did not want my dad to use me as a pedestal in his social ladder. When I was younger, his statement was, “I want to share with my hometown that my daughter is the first doctor in the neighborhood.” My young naive self was like, “Yea, that’s great!” As I … Continue reading Why did she stay?

Empathetic Response

Yesterday was the day that I realized why my mom was acting a certain way. She was trying to get an empathetic response. My brothers generally are unfazed¬†with my mom. When I was in New York, she calls me to give them a verbal beatdown. When it is a family-setting, my verbiage is very open. There is no type of filter that comes out of my mouth. I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I’m deep in my thoughts about this topic. Among the four kids, Johnny and I were the more talkative half than Jimmy and Jesse. … Continue reading Empathetic Response

Let’s keep writing until it becomes positive.

Ideally when I write, I want to reflect rather than vent. I’ve done some reflecting, but it’s been through meditation. And holy shit, I realized how poor my written English grammar is. Following up with my previous post about my father, he is diagnosed¬†with minor emphysema, but they have not ruled out lung cancer due to the spotty chest x-rays. When we were going through the hospital visits, the X-ray technician told my dad that he had really long lungs. It wasn’t surprising to me because my dad said that he would frequently go swimming during his younger days in … Continue reading Let’s keep writing until it becomes positive.

Coming back is hard.

It’s been hard getting back into the pace of blogging. I was so butt-hurt about my last relationship that I was too scared to showcase my feelings or thoughts openly. I love writing for the essence of stress-relieving. It really helps me move on from the issues that cause me to feel muddled. I would usually reread at the end of the day and laugh about it. Tell myself that it was stupid and it was going to be ok. Writing my open thoughts was stripping myself naked. I knew that, but after that time, I was scared and living … Continue reading Coming back is hard.

Out of the Dark

It’s been really hard to blog after not blogging for awhile. In the past five months, I was clinically depressed after Johnny’s birthday. After his birthday, it was his memorial day. That really didn’t help me. I didn’t really reach out to people because it’s been three years. I didn’t want to burden people with that thought, the thought of how his life could have been if he hadn’t died. Between his birthday and my birthday, I’m located in a dark period of my life. I have sporadic weeks where I don’t eat or sleep normally. Then there are weeks … Continue reading Out of the Dark